PART 2 Second Choice

So, I’ve been a bit depressed, and I thought that a cat would be the perfect cure for my loneliness. I went to Petsmart and came home with everything I’d need for a cat: a collar, two bags of food, bowls, cat box, toys, treats, scratching post, and a name.

For those of you who don’t know, I recently moved in with a friend’s grandmother. About two months ago Mrs. Osborn’s husband passed away and the family really wanted someone who could just be there to help with a couple things around the house. They invited me to stay in the basement apartment, and I gratefully accepted. However a cat was not included in the invitation.

Living with Mrs. Osborn has been very pleasant. She has treated me like one of her own grandchildren, and it’s been nice to have some one around. Over the last few weeks I’ve been very busy with two jobs, and so much of my conversations with Mrs. Osborn have been me trying to scoot off to my next appointment without offending her or seeming rude. Much of the time my I-need-to-go signals, or even blatant comments haven’t seemed to restrain her from going on to the next story. I was feeling particularly rushed one day as a finally managed to close the front door behind me only to realize I’d left my keys inside. I meekly knocked on the door and she let me back in to grab my keys and rush out again. I felt guilty for cutting her off, but what could I do? I HAD to get to work. By the time I got to my car however a familiar voice came into my head… “Here I am living in this nice place, (did I mention rent free?) the least I can do is be available for conversation.” So I decided that I would plan ahead and make time to listen to her stories, sort of as my rent.

A few days later it was Friday and I was once again rushing around trying to get things ready for my weekend plans. The phone rang and Mrs. Osborn was apparently speaking to friend whom had also lost her husband. She must’ve asked Mrs. Osborn how she was doing in regards to her own loss. I heard her start to talk about it as I hurried down the steps, but something made me stop dead in my tracks and I listened for a moment and this is what I heard: “Every day, throughout the day I’ll see something, or hear something and my first thought is, ‘Oh, I’ll have to remember to tell this to Bob,’ and then I realize...” A moment later I was back to finishing the task at hand, but I made a note of those words. Later I was thinking about what she said and I realized that at the end of the day I was her second choice: she’d much rather be sharing her stories with the one person who’s really cared for the past 40 some years, but now he’s gone, and instead she’s stuck with some young girl who doesn’t know her friends or all the memories they shared together. And truth be told, she’s my second choice. With decades between us it can be hard to find common ground, but there it was: we are both each other’s second choice, and in our own ways we are both quite lonely.

What I thought would be ‘rent’ I see is really a part of Gods plan: I need her just as much as she needs me. God brought us together for just a time as this, and for that I am thankful.

PART 1 Airing out my Laundry- depressed

I feel the need to explain something before I post my next blog. It is simply this: I’m a little depressed right now. Don’t worry, I’m okay, but the truth is I am. It’s hard to admit this to myself, and even to some of my closest friends. But here I am admitting it to random people or acquaintances on myspace. Some of you know one or more of the reasons I’ve been feeling this way, and certainly many of you have wondered about my funny green profile picture.

I can look back at other periods of my life where I can see that I was probably depressed, or felt pretty alone, but this is the first time that I’ve been so keenly aware of my feelings in the moment. I don’t mean to be the rain cloud to the rest of my friends, but this is who I really am right now.

Let me say that the purpose of me admitting this isn’t at all to elicit some kind of pity, or sympathy, please don’t! My reason is because I know it’s hard for a lot of people to admit this. Truthfully, I am embarrassed to admit it myself, but now I see that as silly pride. What are we ashamed of? The fact is WE ALL go through these times where we feel sad, or lonely, and admitting it, choosing to feel the pain is the healthy thing to do. Admitting it allows other people to RELATE! So while I’m not accepting pity I will gratefully accept encouragement, prayer, advice, social invites, and money. (Okay, I’m just kidding about the money.) …but if you really want to text me and I’ll give you my mailing address.

The good news is, that I know that this is for a time. I hope its not for too long, but even through these hard and lonely days, God has carried me, comforted me, and loved me, and I know no other feeling in the world that is better than communion with God regardless of my circumstances. Hopefully through all this I’m learning to be more sensitive to other people going through the same thing. Hopefully this will help us relate to one another, and enable us to be open about depression.

Alright, now that I’ve explained that I can work on Part 2.

If-he-truly-loves-you-QUIZ

I don’t know how many times I have heard people say that phrase either in movies, or from friends: “If he truly loves you…he’ll be willing to let go,” or “he won’t be able to let go,” or “he won’t expect you to go too far.”

But lately as I begin to think about my own love, and some of the things that I’ve done to people that “I truly love” I’m forced to admit that then perhaps I do not “truly” love anyone. How can I? Because True love would never force their way into someone else’s life, and True love would never forget what you had together, and True love would never take more than what belongs to them. I am guilty of all these and so much more.

Two things happen as I think about this: the first is I realize how exposed my own mistakes and inadequacies in True love are. But the second is some sort of familiarity with this True love. Ya know I think I’ve seen this somewhere. Oh! I know! You know that movie “Never Been Kissed,” with Drew Barrymore? Well, he didn’t let her go, and then he forgave her at the end and gave her another chance and…No that’s not it.

And then the:
“Of course!!” Jesus. He is the only one that never forces his way in, but never lets go. He is the only one that forgives us over and over, and yet still passionately pursues us in romance. He’s the one that gets it right the first time.

There are two points I want to make in this blog: the first is to give him, or her a break. Whoever you may be giving the if-they-truly-love-me-quiz to ask first “do they truly love God?” and realize they are human like you, and we are all capable of making the wrong choices about people that we “truly love.”

The second thing is to remember where True love comes from. The difference between worldly love, and Christian love is forgiveness. In the world we are told to cut those people who don’t respect us, or don’t appreciate us out of our lives. But Christ calls us to love them, and THAT is True love. True love is loving someone in spite of their flaws, and what may be their repetitive mistakes. True love accepts, and forgives making itself vulnerable all over again to the pain that we humans will inevitably inflict on each other. Of course this doesn’t mean that we are to fling ourselves onto the tracks to be run over.
But when we have Christ in our hearts we can give True love, and forgive when others fall short.

(What this means to me is that even though he isn’t perfect, and even though he may not be the right guy for me, I must choose to continue to love him. True love, Godly love, loves past the end of a relationship, and past the anger. True love chooses to hurt instead of hate.)